Healing My Inner Teenage Girl
I describe briefly on Horticulture For Healing’s website about my teenage years as it relates to my substance use and addiction. I didn’t have many positive experiences during this crucial developmental period . I was involved in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship from the time I was 14 until I was just about 18. A lot of it I still today do not remember, due to trauma and my brains reaction to that time period. I recently began seeking help to be at peace with this time, now, 8 years into recovery. I didn’t have the opportunity for self discovery. As well as my mental growth as a teenage girl which was stunted due to the abuse cycle I was stuck in. This dramatically decreased my chances for growing and learning opportunities to help me grow into a healthy strong independent woman. My resources for help were scarce. My parents weren’t able to help me, they didn’t know how. I didn’t know that I even had help available to me, let alone have any positive females to look up to, a woman, to understand or relate to.
I share that not for sympathy or as excuses to why I used substances the way I did but to share that now I am healing and honoring that lost desperately hurting teenage girl. I honor her by doing simple acts and self care actions that she never got to experience. I decided that I will make a small electronic zine as just one way of promotion for HFH .
The Zine movement is part of the 1990s Third Wave Feminist movement where Riot Grrrl founders gave women and girls empowerment and inner fire to fight for equality.
These women and others like them grew up an awareness of the barriers presented by sexism, racism, and classism. They chose to battle such obstacles by inverting sexist, racist, and classist symbols, fighting patriarchy with irony, answering violence with stories of survival, and combating continued exclusion with grassroots activism and radical democracy. Rather than becoming part of the “machine,” third wavers began both sabotaging and rebuilding the machine itself.”
I was searching for inspiration for this project not having any old zines my self, and came across this amazing woman on Etsy who shares her old zine collection in hopes that girls today will come across this form of powerful self expression, feminist empowerment, and art. I imagine, for women too who would like to look back on a time when this was one of the only ways for girls to get their original thoughts feelings and emotions out there with the intention of reaching other girls and women to fight the patricharical system we are born into.
I got my zine grab bag pack and started pouring through them, what had I missed??? My eyes were hot with tears. I starting thinking of present times combined with my teenage self and how feminist power NEEDS to continue. It is needed more than ever NOW. I thought about when I was that teenager I described above and if I had access to this little folded xeroxed piece of paper, pages over filled with original words and clip art, could have saved me from a time of deep loneliness that no teen age girl should have to endure and experience year in and year out.
I didn’t have any girls in my life to show me a zine. Reading an 17 year old girl’s Perzine which is basically a journal or “personal zine” could have helped 16 year old Joanna from wondering, do her girls feel this way? Feel the immense suffering, a painful aching feeling, in which her value is placed on that of another individual, who does not care for her well being and because of this, she thinks of ending her life? Do other girls suffer from depression, sexual and emotional abuse, and so deeply ashamed by her home life so much, that she never, ever, wants to bring anyone to her home? Well these ‘perzines’ I read describe the same loneliness despair feelings I had too. And even better, there is uplifting writing as well as music lists and empowering art, stickers, and opportunities for pen pals. I wonder if having access to zines may have changed the course of my life choices. I don’t know. If reading a zine did anything during that time I imagine it would of helped me to know I was not alone, I could of even had the opportunity to write the zine publishers back.
I feel a strong desire to pass them along to younger generations of girls so maybe their fire can be lit and they will know that this “archaic” piece of paper is actually, something that can be used today, even with our click of a finger technology. As we know, the need to fight back against sexism, patriarchy, homophobia, transphobia, and racism just hasn’t disappeared.
I am now taking time to read them. I purchased a grab bag of 8 zines. If you have read a Zine before, you know that 8 can be quite a lot of reading….I now have a personal stash to use in times of self care and when it is time to channel my inner teenage Joanna, taking her hand and giving her a hug, reading other girl’s words so that she can relate, get inspiration and feminist power, knowing that it will be OK someday.
If you missed the link above for where I purchased the Zines click this.